I am not sorry I am not sorry!

I am not sorry I am not sorry!

I was let go from my job due to COVID19 about a week after our president boasted about not having to let people go. I was let go over the phone WHILE I was in the office. My heart was racing. I called my supervisor after it happened and they answered the phone, “what’s up Jodi Jabs?” They were so energetic when they answered their phone. My response was, “you know what’s up… I just wish you would have said something to me.” The response back was best described as “meh.” I packed up my office within an hour or so and as I was about to leave my boss came in. It reminded me of a dog with its tail between its legs. I went home and cried. I cried not because I was sad for loosing my job but because it wasn’t my decision and the obvious reason of needing an income. I cried because of all the unknowns and unexpected changes ahead.

You might be reading this thinking, why wasn’t she sad she didn’t have a job in her field. Here is why, I was told that I was rude and argumentative, reactive to every bristle, angry, and oppositional. It’s funny because it you knew me; you know that these are not characteristics that people would use to describe me. More like, pizzazz, energy, spirited, fun, loud, happy… etc. But these new adjectives, used to describe me, were usually after I had asked a question for clarification or, my favorite, I was praising a student group for handling the transition of going virtual very well. I think the worst of it all was having to write an apology email that I did not mean. I cried after I sent it because I am not a fake person and I felt that apologizing for something I didn’t believe in was completely fake but I also had to “play the game.” This all started months before I was let go but got worse as time went on to the point of having to write at the end of my emails, please don’t misconstrue what I am trying to ask, I just want to know the information. Sometimes, it was a quick email at the end of the day so I wouldn’t respond right away. I would call because I knew this was part of the plan. I started keeping all my emails, good and bad, so I had proof. I also met with HR a few times. They were aware of previous situations but no formal complaints were ever filed. They gave up on me. I wanted to be a better professional. I wasn’t drinking the kool aide nor did I fit the mold. I pushed back on being micromanaged and controlled. I even had a colleague tell me that she wished I wouldn’t have accepted the position. At first, I was taken aback but then she explained that I was going to be too much, in a good way. She also related her position at the institution like an abusive relationship. When it was good, it was good but when it was bad, it was bad.

Here is my take aways from the most toxic work environment I have every worked in and why I am not sorry for not being sorry. Before I go on, let me say that I know these people are good people. It was just a mismatch. No one has the right to treat you so bad that you start to forget who you are.

I am not sorry for being a women, asking questions, having a voice, doing my job, trying to do the best for the students, misinterpretation of my intentions, creating a space for students to want to be in, cultivating relationships with others, being a visionary, for knowing what I want professionally, and for being vulnerable and authentic. Finally, I am not sorry for not always smiling.

I have realized that you cannot pour from an empty cup and to expect someone to help me achieve my professional goals when they are not getting their cup filled or goals accomplished. Here is my pledge for my future staff.

My former supervisor told me this one… I trust you. I will hire you to do the job and will trust you to do it. I will give you grace and flexibility and I expect it in return. I am not perfect and I am not going to pretend that I am and I will not hold you to an unrealistic expectation. I will not judge you for crying and tell you to get counseling. Instead, I will listen and support you. I will push you to be the best version of yourself, personally and professionally! Finally, I will not give up on you nor will I let you give up on yourself.

After I was let go, I went back to Minnesota. On my drive home a friend told me that it was the happiest she had heard me in a long time. This was the best summer I had in a long time. I hiked, spent time with my family and friends, fostered a one-eyed kitten, painted two rooms and a deck (or as my aunt said putting lipstick on a pig), and shot off a firework. I cooked a lot, mowed lawn all the time, and went fishing. A friend texted me while I was home right before I was heading back to NC to pack up my apartment. They told me that I had a lot of gifts and talents and it was just taking more time to find a position that honors what I bring to the table, professionally. I’d say they are right but I also had several wonderful positions in higher education that helped develop me as a professional and some amazing supervisors and mentors to go with it. Positions that supported me in all aspects of my life and cared about who I was. It’s hard to find that but I will continue to search and one day I will find it and hopefully be able to provide that to other people. After going through all the guilt and sadness when I first lost my job, I started to heal and uncover who I really was. I put in a lot of effort at who I was professionally that I lost who I was personally. Being home allowed me to discover myself again. Which is what led me to writing this blog!

Who I am matters! Who YOU are matters! Don’t ever let someone dull your shine. I am not sure if my grandma really said this but I think she did, life is too short to be anything but happy. Go out and get it. Don’t let fear stand in your way. Don’t apologize for who you are.  Life is full of ups and downs but it’s how you handle it that makes you who you are!

 

Stay blessed and smile!