This is how I fight my battles.

Inspired by: https://www.facebook.com/HosannaShakopee/videos/461289375103485

This past year has been a roller coaster for me. Highs and lows. I moved back to Minnesota in August and I am staying with my parents. I always had a lot of friends back home but not a lot I would share my "secrets" with. "Secrets" in "" because I don't really have any. My life had shifted to North Carolina. I had lost touch with a lot of people back home. When I came back home, I kept my circle close. My family, two good friends, Mandy and my best friend Kari, and eventually, this guy that I was dating. We’ll call him Peter! I have more friends that I shared this journey with but they aren’t close by. I kept myself busy by working and hanging out with my friends and Peter. Minnesota was closed until the second week of January so there wasn’t much to do. Once Minnesota opened, things changed. Life got busy again with work and my friends had other obligations, work, kids, etc. Which is 100% understandable.

I had planned a trip to Florida to get out of the cold Minnesota tundra, in January. Once I got back from FL, I couldn’t manage my emotions. I was so used to traveling all the time with work and spending almost every weekend hitting up a new trail or on an adventure with my friends in North Carolina. The weather in Minnesota was so gloomy and cold. I never had seasonal depression or whatever the term is called but man, this lack of warmth and sunlight kicked my butt. I was waking up at 4:00 in the morning with this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. (Oh wow! My eyes are watering. I thought this would be easier to write.) I had never experienced anxiety but here it was. Roaring its ugly head. I wasn’t eating and everything I did just made me feel sad. I would want to go out but as soon as I got there I was filled with anxiety that I didn't want to be there but I also didn't want to leave. If I ate, it was a bite or two and then I’d be full. I remember waking up one morning to get ready for work and I just looked at my bed and cried. All I wanted to do was crawl back in my bed and sleep. The only time I felt good was when I was with my friends or Peter because it was fun. So, I tried to keep myself busy. Eventually, Peter and I stopped dating and the anxiety became overwhelming. I am actually surprised that my friends would even answer their phones because I would process the same situation with them every time they answered. My friends always answered, day or night. I would tell my friend that some days, I just wanted to feel sad. My older brother always offered his support and advice as well. My best friend invited me over to dinner with her whole family. I was hesitant to go but I am so glad I went. We played sardines (like hide and seek but one person hides and everyone seeks and once they find the person, they have to hide with them) and yoga pose challenge. I was paired up with the youngest and shortest kid. There was one point where I fell over and smashed her in half. We all started laughing so hard! It felt good to laugh that hard again. My friend even made the comment that it was good to see me like that again! That only lasted until I went home and then the anxiety would set in. It wasn’t until I was told, by a friend Kristin, to stop hurting myself. She leaned over to me at church and said, Jodi, stop hurting Jodi. It took me a little bit to figure it out but eventually I stopped because I didn’t have time anymore. I filled it up with better things. (See below!)

When all this was going on, I was supposed to have a meeting with a Pastor from my church but we had some miscommunication but now that I think about it, I think it was just God’s timing. Instead of having the meeting, we had rescheduled a phone call and talked about life. He told me that I was missing connection and that he would connect me with a few resources. He connected me with a woman named Teresa. She invited me to do outreach on Thursday and grab lunch after that. That was the day that changed my life. I still struggled but this is when I started hiking up the mountain. After my first outreach, two men from church, Dylan and Jon, asked me to do three food drops with them. They had no idea who I was but yet, were offering to connect with me. It was such an amazing spiritual high. Giving food out to those that were in low-income housing. Since I had “blown” Teresa off after outreach so I could do the food drop we rescheduled and grabbed dinner. She was 100% in support of me doing the food drops by the way! She knew that I needed to do it. During our meeting, she discussed being a community leader through Hosanna. I decided to go through training to become a leader. We are just a few weeks shy of actually launching our group. I say we because through training, I met another woman that had the same idea and we decided to put our efforts together and be co-leaders. I cannot wait to see how God works through Rochelle and I. Our purpose for our community group is to support and empower women, just like us, in a Christian environment. We both were looking for something that didn’t exist so we created it for ourselves and others.

I still do food drops as much as I can and through that I have connected with many other people. Two people specifically, Becca and Roz. I was at a food drop one night and was talking to Becca about finding friends and how it as an adult, it feels like dating. It can be awkward. Most people already have their friends and are busy with their families but before I had gotten home that night, Becca had already added me as a friend on Facebook and at the next food drop I connected with Roz. About three weeks ago, I woke up from a text from Becca telling me that Roz got me a ticket for Inspire night and we were all going together. Roz has been so supportive of me. She checks in on me from time to time and I was able to sit next to her at church a few weeks ago. I told her that I really believe God put us in each other's lives for a reason. I am not sure what it is but I am very grateful for it. I have connected with a few other people because of them. I also connected with a friend from college, recently. He seems to be just as adventurous as I am so he’s always up for doing something. I texted him the other day and was like, the weather is too beautiful. I am going to hit up a trail and he met up with me. He even let me meet his kids. Which has been awesome because they are hilarious! I understand why people don’t want to introduce other people to their kids but I think that’s a false sense of reality. Life really isn’t like that. Parents have a huge responsibility and being a parent is a huge part of their lives. When you don’t let someone into that part of your life, you aren’t showing them your true self. I really struggled with this in past relationships but I am not a parent so my thoughts might be 100% off but I feel like it’s important to share that part of your life with those in it. (Ok, rant over)

My trauma has led me closer to God. Someone said that when we are most broken that’s when we are the most available to God! Can I get an AMEN?? Yes!! Not only have I done food drops and outreach but I am also getting ready to volunteer at children’s church as a host leader and I am currently leading a group of 5th grade girls during middle school mid week service.

Someone once told me that God wasn’t working through me because I didn’t read scripture but I still don’t read scripture and He’s moving mountains in my life. I am on the verge of something epic. I can feel it. He’s using me. In fact, there was this 8th grade girl at church that didn't want to come out of the bathroom because she was so afraid to meet new people. She was transitioning from middle school to high school service. I sat on the floor in the bathroom talking with her. I got her out of the stall by asking her for a hug. Then we walked to the arcade room at the church and chatted for a bit. She told me I was chill! I remember walking her to the worship area and seeing her mom in the hall as we passed by and just nodding my head. The next day the student ministry coordinator told me that was the Holy Spirit moving through me. I was even asked to present a children’s ministry session that will be recorded and broadcasted over the summer to all four campuses. I didn’t even read the whole email asking me to do so. I immediately said yes (...and then I went back to the email to see what I had agreed too). I filmed today and it was epic. They shot extra footage of me in a crossfit gym. It was fun until I realized, I have no upper body strength!

You know, there are times in life when you just can’t do anything else except cry or be mad and that’s fine but as my friend Jeff told me, you can’t stay seated there. You have to move forward. My friend Dave told me not to rush getting over things or people. Take your time and do what you need to do. Sometimes, you’ll have those feelings again and it’s ok to feel those feelings. Do it! Cry! Be mad and then pick yourself back up and conquer the day! I was at my friend from college’s house a few weeks ago and we were sitting in his kitchen talking. He asked me a question about someone and I started to talk about it but then I could feel the tears coming and I said I didn’t want to talk about it. He asked another question and I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Then he said, when you are ready, you can talk to me about it. I told him that when I can have a conversation about it and not want to cry, I’ll open up and talk to him but seriously, I am like who are you and in shock that he offered. (FYI, I did share this with him at dinner) WOW! I reached out to others and made connections. I also hired a head hunter who helped me professionally. He connected me with a woman that really gave me the push I needed to start believing in myself again. I hired a life coach, which has been awesome. Best decision ever! She challenged me to get back to doing the things I love to do. I created a vision board, which for now, I am keeping private but she also inspired me to re-create my adventure list. I started it a few years ago. Not everything on the list is a huge adventure but I believe it can lead to one. It also inspired me to do my first solo hike last weekend. Don’t worry, I carry protection and the next time I see a bear, I won’t run towards it like I did the last time! I also started playing softball again and fostering cats from the humane society!

I know this doesn’t seem like huge strides but to me they are. My best friend even commented that she can see a difference in me. I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I was almost just existing. We were on a girls weekend with my aunts and cousins and I went down to the lake for some me time and my aunt followed me out there. She kept asking me if I was ok and I said yes but she didn’t believe me. And she was right not too. I wasn’t ok but you know what? I am now. I am better than ok! I am a child of God and I am going to move mountains. My PIZZAZZ is back and it’s brighter than ever! I get to be JJ again. I haven’t been that in years and I missed it! Remember how you respond to your trauma can rule you or help heal you, (not my words but words from the sermon above by Pastor Ryan) Be gentle on yourself. You haven’t even met your best self yet! (Also, not my words, those came from Pastor Steven Furtick)

Recently, I have found joy in this lyric from Graves into Gardens by Elevation Worship. The God of the valley is the God of the mountain. We need to praise Him in the good and the bad. You can’t get to the good stuff without going through the dark parts. It’s not just waiting on the Lord, it’s also what you are doing while you are waiting. The story above is what I am doing while I am waiting but I am also healing and learning to love myself again. Below is a playlist and my 37 and 37 list. Let me know if you think I should add anything!

Smile and stay blessed friends! Shalom! Splagchnizomai

JJ!

Here is a list of songs that I jam out to on a regular basis, usually in the key of Jodi! It’s not the only genre I listen too but it’s a good start! If you know me, you know I have loved Reba since I was 5 and she didn’t even make the list! LOL! If you have any songs you think are amazing, send them my way. I am always adding new songs to my lists! These are the songs that really helped me fight my battle.

Defender- Francesca Battisteli

Mercy has won- Lauren Alexandria

Wide Open- North Point Worship

Goodness of God- Jenn Johnson and Bethel Music

Revivals in the Air- Bethel Music

Tethered- Phil Wickman

Reigh above it all- Bethel Music

Worthy of it all- Upperroom

Wait on You- Elevation Worship and Maverick City

The Blessing- Kari Jobe, Cody Carnes, and Elevation Worship

Jesus I come- Elevation Worship

Alabaster Heart- Bethel Music

Stand in Your Love- Josh Baldwin

Graves into Gardens- Elevation Worship

Evidence- Josh Baldwin

Battle Belongs- Phil Wickham

Move your Heart- Maverick City and Upper Room

Champion- Maverick City and Upper Room

Rest on Us- Upper Room

Take me on a Ride- We the Kingdom
Egypt- Bethel

Touch the Sky- Hillsong United

Into the Sea (It’s going to be Ok)- Tasha Layton

Hold on to me- Lauren Daigel

Come Alive- Hillsong

Rattle- Elevation Worship

Wait on you- Maverick City and Elevation Worship

I don’t want to- Ellie Holcomb

Exhale- MercyMe

Talking to Jesus- Elevation and Maverick City

Good God Almighty- Crowder

Look What You’ve Done- Tasha Layton

God So Loved- We the Kingdom

Anything by JordanKyle Band

37 in 37

Solo hike
Hike Red Rock Falls County Park
Visit North Shore
Camp Boundary Waters
Hike Tettegouche State Park
Sleep in a Yurt
Hike Paul Bunyan State Trail
Take a pottery class
Smash grapes/Make wine
Complete the MN Ice cream trail
Ride The Epic Timber Twister Mountain Coaster (Duluth)
Visit the waterfalls at Devil’s Kettle
Meet 5 new people and become friends
Experience the LeVeaux Mountain Trail is a 3-mile loop in the Sawtooth Mountains
Order a bloody mary at Mill Creek Inn
Visit Three sisters winery
Jump off cliffs at Quarry Park and Nature Preserve in Waite Park, Minnesota
Take a horse drawn sleigh ride At Roselawn Stables
See the stars at Voyageurs National Park
Visit a christmas themed town (https://www.onlyinyourstate.com/minnesota/hallmark-christmas-towns-mn/)
Send a card to a friend once a month
Travel to San Fran for my bday
Touch the black sand at Onyx Beach (Duluth)
Become a member at Hosanna
Lead a community group through Hosanna
Pipestone National Monument
Take a fencing class
Pedal pub
Fly board
Ride a Segway
Indoor skydive
Blow Glass
Tour a haunted house/Ghost town
Watch the sun rise and set in the same day
Be in a video
Visit Gasthaus Bavarian Hunter during Oktoberfest
Get a new job in community service, non profit, higher education, ministry, or event planning
Heal from a broken heart
Fall in love